Having a hard time relating to your parents? Time traveling (through the pages of your journal) may provide a path to understanding them better. Sit down with them and try to find some common ground. But not in the present.
Go back 15, 20, 30 years. Imagine running into your parents when they are your age, at a bar, a coffee shop, at the mall. They don’t recognize you, but somehow, they feel comfortable opening up.
Find out what they are worried about. Because their biggest fears could sound familiar. Sit down and really listen to those imaginary representations of your folks in your journal. They may shock you. It’s Back To The Future without all the awkward stuff!
Time-Travel to Find Your Parents and Yourself
For your trip, you should find a neutral place to strike up a conversation. You’ll want a candid version of your parents. A moment without the baggage that 30 years of marriage and children can carry with it.
Spot your dad at a bar, nervously spinning a beer in his hands.
Pull up a stool.
Notice your mom sitting at a gate in an airport terminal, maybe pregnant with you. Strike up a convo.
Perhaps visiting them when their ages align with your own will be most enlightening.
They don’t know who you are, but they greet you warmly. What would you ask them?
- Perhaps your dad is worried about your birth. About finding a job and identifying a career path. Ask about his stress level. If your dad is a teen at this point, ask him if he worries he’ll never meet his soul mate.
- Ask your mom what she hopes for her child. Ask her how she’s feeling. If she wasn’t having a child, what would she be doing? Is she worried about meeting her soul mate? If she’s met your dad, does she question whether he is the man of her dreams?
- What are their fears? What are your fears currently? Do they exhibit these same worries? What fears or insecurities that they had in the past explain their irrational behavior now, their phobias and anxiety? Has age magnified the uncertainties/instability they dealt with as younger folks? Those same anxieties may explain the personality traits/defenses that drive you nuts about them now.
- How do they feel about their parents? (your grandparents)
- What do they think about the new Smashing Pumpkins album?
Don’t Judge Your Parents Against The Age of Cellphones
What burning questions does your mom have at this point in time? What questions does she have that could be easily answered by a cellphone nowadays? For most of our parents, those bytes of knowledge weren’t as readily available.
How much of your “wisdom” is stored on your phone? The web may be your true source of superiority over your parents these days. Without it, how would you have been ready for college, found a job, met people, and spent your free time?
We have to cut our parents some slack for not having a wi-fi signal for every important decision in their lives. Their career choices, their money habits, and their trust in others. We have to forgive them for not being the most internet-savvy nowadays, too.
The Case for Forgiving (Understanding) Your Parents
The goal of this exercise is to see your parents in a new light. To see them as frightened teens or young adults, unsure of the future, making mistakes.
Perhaps amidst the same storm you are experiencing right now.
Your parents may be overly protective now or borderline insane, but discovering where that fear and anxiety comes from may help you show a little compassion. And it’ll get you ready to cope with those traits that have been passed to you.
You can see their side of things, and maybe seeing a change in you will inspire them to see your side, too. If they can’t, it’s time to introduce them to someone they may not recognize in the past.
END
If your parent problem is too big to solve with a journal entry, you could have to imagine your parents as deep sea creatures to gain some understanding.