Opening the Doors of Our Fortresses: When We Build Our Social Defenses Too Strong

A while back, I wrote about how we can construct mental fortresses in our brains to retreat to in tough times.

Stocking a secret place in our heads with good memories, with art that inspires and cleanses, journal entries serving as notes of support from the you from better times. A reminder that things will get better. It’s a thought retreat where you can hole up until the dark skies clear.

It’s a necessary safeguard, but I also talk about the dangers of becoming a prisoner in your stronghold.

We must always include a secret path that leads out, to use when the storm passes.

We can stay too long. We can keep defenses up well after a threat has passed. 

Today, I’d like to caution those who have gotten too good at protecting themselves, stacked the barriers too high. I want to offer a route back to the light and opening up to others. 

When the Windows Are Boarded Up For Too Long

We all build walls to protect ourselves. They probably first go up in grade school. Maybe we aren’t interested in the same things as the cool kids. We quickly construct a stronghold to deflect the judgment.

In some cases, we go on the offensive. We weaponize our own values and interests. We insist that liking Dungeons & Dragons is cooler than playing soccer or cheerleading. We might surround ourselves with friends who feel the same way. 

It’s a way to insulate ourselves from society’s judgment. And it’s an understandable precaution when faced with the pressures of growing up. 

But sometimes we get older, and the strong reactions and defenses are still in place, even when no longer necessary. The relics of a cold war that’s just ghosts, rusted-out tanks, and dwindling lasers.

You might think your castle has done a great job of preserving you. Then you hold up a mirror one day and realize you are still a fetus that could never develop in the shadow of the walls. Or you’ve grown far older than the years would suggest, because of the insulation of isolation.

Shutting Down the Defense Grid We Perfected

It’s not our fault. We must forgive ourselves for building a perfect suit of armor to keep out the painful attacks. But then, when it’s no longer necessary, we must remember (or be reminded) to remove some of the pieces. The chest piece that protects our heart. The helmet that shields our eyes.

We can’t forget to turn down the sensitivity on the auto-defenses. Maybe we are now the bullies we built the fortress to repel. Perhaps we repel so many attackers, we are now turning back friends too. Your security grid attacks those you don’t intend.

Sometimes you’ve built these securities along with a cohort. A long-time friend. And it’s necessary to turn two keys to disarm your joined defenses. Reach out. See if your friend is noticing the same roadblocks and discuss how it might be time to declare peace. 

Finding the Key To Your Iron Gate

Consider the alligators you’ve kept alive in your moat. You first dug it to keep out children who say mean things. Only to realize those kids have all grown up. They don’t remember you. They may now be into the things you are into.

Perhaps a family member you kept your guard up around a decade ago has changed. Your defensive stance actually keeps an old, learned interaction alive longer than needed.

Open up everything to reevaluation. Our minds are programmed to protect us. Sometimes we have to rewire those deflector shields. They keep out people and things we might be desperately in need of. 

Hand out your access codes to those who have earned them. See what happens when you invite others into your fortress for a garage sale. End

There are times when our brains send us errant data during difficult days. There are ways to turn off those alerts.

There are times when damaging thoughts start to build up in the brain. Let’s learn to release those pent up Yeti into our journals.

We can also find that after going through a storm we emerge with superpowers we didn’t know we had.